Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The longest rant known to man

Hello readers,
I'm pumped.
I'm pumped because Ramadan is two crappy nights of sleep away and it will be the highlight of this week that has been unnaturally stressful.
First, the woman who birthed me said the most disgusting and hurtful comment to me that I have ever heard in my life. I have my secrets that only a few select people know and the only reason they know it is because I just got comfortable discussing it about a few years ago. This secret should not be thrown in my face by the person who created that issue and therefore made me keep it a secret in the first effing place. My whole resentment issue with the woman is because of the secret that she decideded she would throw in my face and say that I was mentally ill because this secret.
And as if she didn't humiliate me enough she says that I am playing Muslim...
Because of the way I talk to her.
I don't talk to her.
Because I don't like her.
I don't like her because she says things to hurt me and she's been doing it for years.
Therefore, when I get pissed, words (of which are true and harsh) splash of out my mouth faster than the waters in Louisianna.
So, because I don't like her and I talk to her the way she talks to me (seeing if I decide to talk to her), I am playing Muslim.
Now, I'm not a perfect Muslim, that's not my goal. My goal is to please my God .... but don't insult me and the one thing that is keeping me sane and that is my deen.
My deen is the reason why I am so calm typing this as we speak.
My deen is the reason why I haven't disappeared in the middle of the night to get away from her.
Hell, my deen is the only reason why I am happy.
So, why say I'm a fake?
The woman wanted to hurt me. I never tried to hurt her even though years ago I would have loved to, but I haven't.
whatever. But she hurt me. effing ridiculous is what this is.
Then, my brother, bless his heart, is upset because me and the woman don't get along. I understand that... we're his only family, but his expectations are TOOOOOOO high. He's asking for conversations and hugs. I don't even think I've hugged the woman before. Let alone said 'I love you'. I know he means well and I didn't ask him to choose sides, I want him to understand.
Now, before anyone person goes on to say how haram it is to disrespect your parents and junk... I'll let Allah handle it. How Allah wishes to treat me because of my lack of respect towards the woman will be up to Allah, NOT YOU. I already know, I've always known just like all humans know. So, don't judge me because it.

Alhumdulilah, Ramadan is coming soon and it is the perfect time for me to reflect on the things that have been happening before I converted. Insha'allah, I will come to terms with a couple things.
I've also decided that I'll continue posting during Ramadan because I remember when I was secretly reading Muslim blogs (like Ange's) and was trying to get some type of look into what this deen is really about, reading blogs really helped a lot because it's a person giving their continuous realistic living of Islam. I just keep thinking there's a curious person whose wondering what the heck Ramadan or they are thinking of converting and they need answers, so I'll keep a weekly post of my first Ramadan.
Insha'allah, I'll be answering questions of those who are secretly following. :)


Anonymous said...

oh exactly the same stuff . EXACTLY THE SAME. nuts, secrtes telling same things....happened with me too. Yknow ....this is what i have seen trying geting stronger in ur iman....and that is how people treat you.

Mechante Belle said...

Oh man, I feel your pain. I don't have problems with my Mom but with another close family member. I too have just given it up to God, I can't handle it anymore so I stopped talking to this person and hopefully they'll be guided back. For now, I'm just trying to concentrate on my life and making myself better. And that's basically the best advice I could give you.

Rubber said...

really. start really believing in God and the result is people calling you nuts. you know to materialistic people who believe in God loook nuts. really normal acutally. i was reading another converts comment somewhere and she also wrote something like that.

Dedra said...

that's pretty much the only thing i can do at this point... is let God handle it. *sigh*

.::Tuttie::. said...

**Graphic/Abuse post** If you cannot read about be aware the following post contains it//

OMG I AM SOOOO SOOOO SOOO SORRY. I read the title of your blog like two days ago and I intended on reading it but because I saw that it had the word rant in there I stayed away as I was having my moment of insanity as well.

WOMAN! is your mother my mother? You know I realized that when I kept secrets I was doing it because someone else had wronged ME and had made ME believe I was the problem. So I was ashamed. Now I realize that HELL no it wasn't my issue. Anyway I had a rough childhood and was raped since age 4 to 7. I met my biological and started living with her from 8 on. Anyway, when my mom was having problems with her 2nd husband she told my social worker that if I accuse her husband of molestation or rape that I am lying. She then threw that in my face with this look of satisfaction like she had beaten me to the punch.

I would never accuse someone of something so horrible. She was very abusive going as far as breaking bones and rubbing feces on my face.

Shockingly since the very first day I became Muslim (she is not) we are actually having a relationship. I have forgiven her for what she did to me as a child although I still get flashbacks. She still tries to hurt me but not as often and she has accepted me as a niqabi. I tell her I love her in Spanish and I get a "me too" inshaAllah one day she will return it.

Anyway sorry for the long post. I just wanted to say I GET YOU WOMAN!!
I soooo get you oh, and Ramadan Mubarak

Dedra said...

ooo my precious Tuttie... Allah truly kept you in mind when you were struggling... although our situations were different in some aspect, its nice to know that someone else has an idea of what kind of mayhem is going on!
I hope you are having a good Ramadan. Make du'a for me since this is my first :-/

Anonymous said...

oh dear tuttie