I'm pumped because Ramadan is two crappy nights of sleep away and it will be the highlight of this week that has been unnaturally stressful.
WARNING: LONG RANT AHEAD.
First, the woman who birthed me said the most disgusting and hurtful comment to me that I have ever heard in my life. I have my secrets that only a few select people know and the only reason they know it is because I just got comfortable discussing it about a few years ago. This secret should not be thrown in my face by the person who created that issue and therefore made me keep it a secret in the first effing place. My whole resentment issue with the woman is because of the secret that she decideded she would throw in my face and say that I was mentally ill because this secret.
And as if she didn't humiliate me enough she says that I am playing Muslim...
Because of the way I talk to her.
I don't talk to her.
Because I don't like her.
I don't like her because she says things to hurt me and she's been doing it for years.
Therefore, when I get pissed, words (of which are true and harsh) splash of out my mouth faster than the waters in Louisianna.
So, because I don't like her and I talk to her the way she talks to me (seeing if I decide to talk to her), I am playing Muslim.
Now, I'm not a perfect Muslim, that's not my goal. My goal is to please my God .... but don't insult me and the one thing that is keeping me sane and that is my deen.
My deen is the reason why I am so calm typing this as we speak.
My deen is the reason why I haven't disappeared in the middle of the night to get away from her.
Hell, my deen is the only reason why I am happy.
So, why say I'm a fake?
The woman wanted to hurt me. I never tried to hurt her even though years ago I would have loved to, but I haven't.
whatever. But she hurt me. effing ridiculous is what this is.
Then, my brother, bless his heart, is upset because me and the woman don't get along. I understand that... we're his only family, but his expectations are TOOOOOOO high. He's asking for conversations and hugs. I don't even think I've hugged the woman before. Let alone said 'I love you'. I know he means well and I didn't ask him to choose sides, I want him to understand.
Now, before anyone person goes on to say how haram it is to disrespect your parents and junk... I'll let Allah handle it. How Allah wishes to treat me because of my lack of respect towards the woman will be up to Allah, NOT YOU. I already know, I've always known just like all humans know. So, don't judge me because it.
Alhumdulilah, Ramadan is coming soon and it is the perfect time for me to reflect on the things that have been happening before I converted. Insha'allah, I will come to terms with a couple things.
I've also decided that I'll continue posting during Ramadan because I remember when I was secretly reading Muslim blogs (like Ange's) and was trying to get some type of look into what this deen is really about, reading blogs really helped a lot because it's a person giving their continuous realistic living of Islam. I just keep thinking there's a curious person whose wondering what the heck Ramadan or they are thinking of converting and they need answers, so I'll keep a weekly post of my first Ramadan.
Insha'allah, I'll be answering questions of those who are secretly following. :)