So, lately I've been dying to go to Jumma, but there's one little problem. I'm horrified.
WHY? Let me explain:
I've read soooooo many stories about sisters' first experiences at Jumma and it's mortifying. I mean people judge everywhere and I shouldn't be shocked, but what if some random person is all "why do you have on that?" or what if I don't pray right or what if I get so nervous from being around strangers (of which I must remind you I don't like) that I destroy my wudu?
I know it sounds silly and I know I'm over thinking, but I'm like a 6 year old trapped inside a very small 20 year old and when I get around people who have been Muslim like their whole life, I just freak. I don't know why. I try to ignore mean people who think its their duty to judge every Muslim in world on how weak or strong their iman is, but damn its hard. And I cry!
Yea, that's right I cry.
About everything.
So, basically, I don't think I'm emotionally prepared. I don't effing know. Maybe I shouldn't go alone. But as I said before I have like one Muslim friend and we haven't hung out outside of class.
Ya Allah! I don't know what to do! I'm starting to get clammy just thinking about it.
Now, I know I shouldn't care because Jumma is to praise Allah and praising Allah should be my motivation and whatnot, and it is trust me, but *shivers* strangers. EVERYWHERE! All around me. Looking at me, wondering where I'm from, staring at me, backbiting (and don't act like people don't do it - Dedra knows), it just throws me off.
So, now I'm hoping maybe I'll just make a new Muslim friend who'll convince me that I should't feel the urge to pass out when praying with other brothers and sisters who are, insha'allah, there to do the same thing; praise Allah.
So, who wants to be my friend?
Love,
Dedra
7 comments:
Salaam!
I came across your blog through Hegab Rehab, and yes I would be your masjid buddy! I know how difficult it can be to go into a new setting. Although I've lived all my life as a Muslim I still don't mesh well in the masjid, mostly because I'm not cultural and the women tend to stick to their cultural baggage a lot. Lol. If that makes any sense. (I'm not sure when you posted this since it doesn't show the date but I hope its not a really old entry!)
Aww, I'd help but I'm the exact same way- really shy to the point of anxiety. Maybe a support group is needed...
This is what I tell myself-maybe it helps-
"Verily this religion is inexorable, so enter its depth gently (Ahmad, 12618); if you try to seize it all at once, it will overpower you" (Bukhari, 39).
oh wow thanks you guys! I'm thrilled to have a Masjid Buddy (capitalization is so necessary)! haha I really appreciate the positive response and boy let me tell you Ahmad wasn't lying I tell you what. It is something that is difficult for me to wrap my head around - I tend to be impatient, but insha'allah that'll disappear soon. :D thanks again!
subhanaAllah. I have some crazy social anxieties as well. I tend to overcome them by jumping in and doing them. Even though I am completely terrified for the first couple of minutes.
salams
If anyone criticizes you, stay cool. Remember they dont rule or dictate the quality of your life. Just smile and tell them "I'm a new Muslim, I'm still learning."
That usually embarasses most people and they shut up or cool their jets. And yes, the judging mentality amongst some born-Muslims is retarded. If I see it myself in action, I put a stop to it pronto.
but, I'm not as cool as you are. Gimme your coolness!
Okay here is what I did.
took a deep breath, walked in, found someone close to my age and introduced myself. Give thema smidge of background, tell them you're nervous, and they'll guide you inshaAllah!
At my masjid, once everyone realized i was a convert (easily identified by scared look and blazing white skin) they were all really nice.
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